My Last Year as a Twenty-Something

Well, here we go. I am composing this blog post on the first day of my last year in my twenties. Does that mean this blog, titled "Making Sense of the Twenty-Somethings, " must be retired? Hell no. I have decided that this is my first of many 29th birthdays.

I started this blog as an outlet to help me work out the many life changing things that go on in one's twenties. This particular 10-year span is filled with some of life's most complicated changes: choosing your life direction, working through relationships, understanding adulthood, developing a career, getting married, starting a family....and those are just the biggies. Granted, I've done a poor job at updating it and usually forget this blog even exists. But today I feel a post is necessary. This birthday feels different and significant.

You see, this is my first birthday as a mother. I now have a very different perspective. Twenty nine years ago I came into this world as a helpless and needy little baby. Year after year I changed, grew, made mistakes and became the person I am today. And I honestly have to say that I am proud of who I am. But my life would never be what it is without the family that raised me. My parents who taught me everything from eating with a spoon to tying my shoe laces. My grandmother who played an avid role in caring for me on a daily basis and spoiling me with york peppermint patties from the Acme despite my mom's "no sweets" rule. My sister who let me tag along with her everywhere and taught me how to come out of my shell and be a good friend. This day is not about just me. It's about everyone involved in making me who I am.

You see, birthdays are not just about presents and cake. It's about everyone who plays a part in creating  and caring for you. But there is one person in this equation who undeniably did more than anyone else. From my new perspective as a mom, I truly feel like birthdays should strongly be about the women who gave birth to us. My mother gave me life. She carried me for nine months and endured physical pain bringing me into this world. She sacrificed so much for me, things that I am only beginning to understand, to make sure I was physically and emotionally cared for. She nurtured and protected me, starting from the day she peed on that little white stick and got a positive result. It's not something to be taken lightly. I am forever grateful for her. So on my birthday, I'd like to honor my mother. Good job, Mom. You made one kick-ass kid (well, two kick-ass kids actually). I'm still learning new things from you everyday, despite our distance. I love you. Happy "You Gave Birth Today" Day.

Enjoy the Journey

It's a quite Sunday morning, and every being in my house is sleeping. The cat, dogs, husband, sister and our daughter- all peacefully dreaming. I've already woken up early, nursed my daughter, spent play time with her and put her down for a nap. And while she lays in her crib, sleeping with her knees curled up to her chest and her hand covering one eye, I'm doing what I always do. Reflecting. Am I being a good enough mother? Wife? Daughter? Sister? Friend?

Olivia will be five months next week. I can't believe how quickly the time has passed, and will continue to pass. I will blink and the next thing I know we'll be celebrating Olivia's first birthday. All I can do is revel in each beautiful ordinary moment with her. To enjoy our play times on her bedroom floor. To watch her quietly as she studies her hands and feet. I need to be sure and take every opportunity to kiss her naked belly and hear her glorious giggle. This journey will take a lifetime, and every single moment is precious.

Yesterday was the type of day that only a mother can appreciate. It was perfectly ordinary, consisting of nursing, naps, play times, and a trip to the grocery store. There was bath time, "super baby" airplane time,  and tummy time. There were moments when Olivia would stare at my face, mesmerized by my eyes and the way her hand can now intentionally touch my cheeks, chin, nose and mouth (and yes, pull on my hair and anything else within reach). There was no stress, no rushing, no crying, no fighting. There was no mommy guilt. I got to spend the entire day with my baby. Yesterday was blissfully and perfectly ordinary. I loved it.

Our house is filled with genuine effortless love. The kind of loves that fills you up so much you feel it spilling out of you. This is exactly what I have always wanted.

The only thing I can wish for is more time. More time together as a family, not just time with one person while the others are busy. More time to relax and enjoy. More time to reflect and realize how truly blessed we all are. But what can we possibly sacrifice to create more time? When one of you figures it out, please let me in on the secret. Because I've now come to the conclusion that "more time" doesn't exist. We just need to appreciate the time we have now and live in the moment. We need to enjoy the journey every step of the way.

18 Weeks and Counting

It's hard to believe it has already been 18 weeks since we welcomed Olivia into the world. I feel like it was just last week I was learning how to hold her, studying her gently and working on getting the perfect latch. After many short weeks of learning each other Olivia is a healthy almost 14 pound baby. Her floppy head that needed support is now strong and (for the most part) sturdy. Her once tired eyes are now locked in on mine while we play or wildly searching the room for new objects. She responds to her name and has a few favorite songs. Her hands grasp for everything, though her hand-eye coordination still needs a bit of work. At  around 15 weeks she began flirting with me while eating, making eye contact at first and now has moved on to touching my face and having a "conversation" with me in between suckles. Around 16 weeks she found her feet and hasn't lost interest yet. And just last week she rolled over for the first time.
How can my baby girl be changing so quickly?
I know that this is only the beginning of the dramatic transformations we'll be witnessing and am trying my hardest to hold on to every precious moment. I will never look on back these days and regret an extra kiss, or an extra snuggle. I don't want to look back and wish I did more with my daughter. Today is important for both she and I.

Today I will make her feel loved and safe. And every day after today for the rest of my life.

It's the little things. Literally

I'm finding that with motherhood I'm changing and growing more than I expected. With each day Olivia make leaps in her development, and as I watch her grow I do the same. I've learned to slow down and really appreciate the little things in life. I don't need an extravagant anything. I'm surrounded by beautiful and amazing things every day that make me cherish the life we've built.

1) Snuggle time. I've always been a snuggler, but cozying up to my baby girl brings a whole new meaning to it.

2) My morning cup of coffee. If I have the opportunity to sit down and drink my cup of coffee, without my arms full of laundry, phones ringing, etc, my day is already off to a stress-free start.

3) Pumping. As crazy as that may sound, I'm a breastfeeding mom who works full time. Because of that I pump when I'm away from Olivia to keep production up and store enough for her to eat. These 20 minute breaks during the work day allow me to unwind, look at photos and videos of my daughter, and remember that I am primarily a mother.

4) A jog. I've always loved running but I haven't quite figured out how to work it back into my regular routine. So once or twice a week when I can get out for a run it's very peaceful and cleansing.

Rugged Maniac Mud Run on Saturday

5) 10 am talk time. Olivia is a chatty Cathy! She loves to gurgle and coo, squeak and talk back to me. I love it any time of day, but we've found that she is generally most talkative in the morning.

6) Crazy spurts of energy from my dogs. When I get home from anywhere, even if I'm gone for 30 minutes, my dogs go INSANE when I get home. I love watching them run out into the yard, often around in circles, being maniacs.

7) Evening family time. Once dinner is done it's nice to spend some time with Doug and Olivia before bed. It's usually quiet time, maybe with a little chatter from Olivia. We can all unwind before turning on a lullaby and putting the baby to bed.

8) Which brings me to my next simple pleasure. A glass of wine and some adult time with Doug. Even though the conversations may still focus on baby things, we still get to be what started all of this: a couple.

9) A clean house. Since my return to work it's nearly impossible to keep my house clean. I'm still a freak with keeping things organized, so it's never cluttered, but with 2 dogs and a cat the hair and dust does get a little out of hand. Thankfully we have a cleaning lady who visits bi weekly to keep up on the dusting, bathrooms, floors and windows so I can focus on more important things (like spending time with my daughter)

10) Family. Now more than ever I appreciate my parents, siblings, and extended family. I understand more the work and dedication that goes into building a strong family. I'm also lucky enough that my 19-year-old sister is living with us as our nanny. I can leave for work knowing my daughter is getting cared for in the best way. If she's sick, I don't need to leave work. I can spend every extra minute with her rather than having to work in time to pick her up/drop her off to and from a daycare. This set up is ideal and I will never take it for granted.

It may sound boring to some, but to me these little things mean the world.

My Best Ten

It's pretty easy for me to sit down and type out my Top Ten lists. Top 10 Food, Top 10 Workouts, Top 10 Songs....But nothing will ever beat the last 10 weeks of my life.

On December 7th I gave birth to a perfectly healthy and beautiful little girl, named Olivia Anne Stewart. After an easy and healthy pregnancy, and a not-so-easy 14 hours of natural labor, she came and completely rocked my world. As a matter of fact, my world was no longer mine. It's our world now. She is, by far, the most important thing. Making sure her needs are met is my full-time job. So my last 10 weeks have been spent learning about her, about me, about my husband and I as parents, and about how to juggle being a mom, a daughter, a sister, a friend, and a wife. As of Monday I'm now back to work full-time, so added into my juggling act is manager, co-worker and employee.

And though that all may sound like a lot to handle, it's been blissful. Yes, it's a challenge, and at times I'm sure I fail in one area or another. But I never fail at being mommy, and I never will. I now realize that this role is one I've always wanted, and I wear my mommy badge proudly. But it's important for me to mention that next to my mommy badge is my wife badge. Before having Olivia my happiest week was the week I spent in Mexico with family and friends, marrying my husband. And let's face it: without happily marrying the man I fell in love with when I was just 19, I wouldn't have the happy family I have now. Doug made me a wife, and now he's made me a mother.

The first 2 weeks at home were the most challenging, but in a good way. I was lucky enough to have Doug home with me, and together we learned about caring for our girl. After Doug went back to work it was just me and Olivia during the days, and the bond that we formed during that time is truly unbreakable. We figured out a great routine (thanks to the BabyWise book and theories), allowing enough sleep and playtime for her, and enough time for me to work, straighten up the house, and workout. I've learned how to do many tasks one-handed and how to change lyrics to children's songs to fit the mood (last night I changed the "clean up" song to a "clean your butt" song while changing a poopy diaper). I've mastered cloth diapering, pumping, bagging and freezing breast milk, and folding tiny onesies. I've also figured out how to make my little girl smile, coo, and even dance to Reggae music.

I finally ordered a baby book from Target so I can keep track of all these tiny, yet very important milestones. At five weeks we saw her first true smile, and at six weeks she began "talking" back to us during her very happy times. Around 8 weeks she started to sleep 6 to 8 hour stretches during the night. At 9 weeks she began intentionally studying her hands, and on Sunday I'm pretty sure she grabbed a toy in her play gym on purpose. All of these things are huge developmentally, not to mention they are SO STINKIN' CUTE.


But by maternity leave is over, and although it's only been a few days I already miss my first 10 weeks at home with Olivia. They were some of the most special times in my life, and I'll never forget them. The thought of missing out on her special moments each day make me sad. But I am very fortunate in that my little sister has moved in with us to be our full-time nanny. It's very reassuring knowing that Olivia is getting loving individualized attention everyday, is in consistent surroundings and is following the same schedule everyday that works best for her. My sister, Emily, is very respectful of the way we want things done and because she has an emotional attachment to Olivia, she does it all the same way I do- with LOVE.

I can't think of anything better than our little baby surrounded by nothing but love.