Traditional Steps

So many things are changing around me that a weekly reflection is necessary in order to take it all in. It's easy for the small things to get lost in the shuffle.

I picked up my marriage license yesterday. As I was leaving, paperwork in hand, the Judge reminded me about changing my name on my license, passport, etc. I'll need certified copies of our license to send away to have the necessary documents reflect my name change. As I'm standing in her tiny office she says, "you'll be Mrs. Stewart soon!"

Mrs. Stewart. It's pretty comical because the bathrobe my grand mom bought me when I was 14 said Amanda Stewart on the label. It sounds like a designer name, or a housewife name.

My name isn't the only thing that's changing. Although I've said in the past that I already feel like I'm married, actually being married is entirely different. He is about to be legally bound to me voluntarily and vise verse. This is a big step and deserves proper recognition.

I remember telling my girlfriends when I was 13 that I planned to be married by 25, and kids by 26. I picked these ages knowing I wanted to go to college and have a career, but not wait to long where I'd be an old parent. Pretty insightful for a 13-year-old if you ask me! Nonetheless, I'm a year behind that original plan. Four years of undergrad, 2 years of grad school and 2 big moves later I'll be married at 26. Don't get me wrong: I'm not upset that I didn't meet the goal I had when I was 13. Since then I've had plenty of goals I've abandoned or altered. Insightful as I may have been, I didn't know the person I'd be now way back then.

In college I thought I may never marry. Not because I had a hard time finding a companion, but because I started to adopt more liberal or revolutionary ideas about everything. For a while I regarded marriage as an oppressive institution with damaging traditional ideas. Now I have a slightly different view. Although marriage can certainly be oppressive, it is what you make it. I'm fortunate enough to be marrying a man who understands my beliefs and values and respects them, even if he doesn't quite agree. We have the best relationship I've ever had with any human. Not vowing to spend my life with him would be tragic.

So we're taking the next step, which just happens to be a traditional one. We didn't plan it from the beginning, we didn't know it until we wanted it. We're following the direction life is taking us, and it's working out in the most amazingly beautiful way . What happens next will also come naturally. It can't be forced or planned.

Like, for instance, the topic of children. Before your even married everyone and their mother starts asking you when you're going to have kids. How can I possibly answer that? It's not a root canal. I'm not scheduling it. If I'm meant to have a child then I'll be blessed with one when it's time.

I know I'd like to adopt a child and provide a life for someone who may not have otherwise been offered one. Considering our incredible population problem, and my beliefs in doing what's right for others, adopting is something I feel very strongly about. We don't have enough natural resources on this planet to adequately care for the people that inhabit it now. I can't justify bringing more people into this world, especially knowing there are so many children out there who need loving parents. Still, I want a child of my own.

Having a person that we created is also something we feel passionately about. He or she will pass along my pointy ears, his blue eyes, or my thin lips long after we're gone. That's incredible and I want it.

So I'd like to do both. Have a child and adopt a child. But again, I'm not gonna rack my brain trying to plan it. Like Adam Sandler in Big Daddy, I'm kind of on the non-plan plan.

In 13 days we'll have our ceremony on the beach, in front of a few loved ones. It won't be long until I'll become part of the club that checks the married box. What happens next, I have no idea. But I can guarantee that just like in the past we'll enjoy every step of the way together.

The Countdown has Begun...sorta

It's been 2 months since my last post. That's pretty awful considering I promised myself I'd write weekly. So for the last ten minutes I've been trying to come up with concrete reasons to justify it, as if my laptop is judging me for only checking email, paying bills and facebooking.

The truth of the matter is that life has kept me busy. What spare time I do have these days is devoted to heading to the gym to makeup for the 3 days I've missed earlier in the week, going to the dump to take the 2 weeks of trash that have piled up in the garage, or sitting on my ass and watching Dexter at 10pm on a work night. I've had no time for me. We've had even less time for us.

Luckily, my work life has been just as busy as his. Big changes are happening at our company and both our jobs have been demanding these past 2 months. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining. His recent parallel move in the company is incredibly positive for him! My recent promotion, if that's what you can call it, while bringing home only slightly more money is certainly bringing me closer to the people in my company that count the most. It's safe to say that I'm sacrificing now in hopes it'll pay off later.

I still have my tedious work, am often treated like a peon by higher up managers, and am consistently disrespected professionally. But it's the nature the beast, and I've already decided that if I want to live this SC dream I've gotta make this beast mine.

So as the days get fewer to when we become husband and wife I feel we're getting farther apart. The closeness I expected during this "special" time, the enjoyment I keep hearing abut from family and friends...it just doesn't exist.

I suppose that's not so troubling considering its not our own emotional issues keeping us apart. We're incredibly in love and anxious to be married. It's literal and physical separation at practically all hours of the day. We work 12 hour days, with no phone calls or cute texts. He's busy setting up the new place or up to his elbows in pistons, cylinders and what not- while I'm on the phone, typing away, managing my department, getting interrupted every 5 seconds and being everyone's bitch. There's no time for "I Love You" texts anymore.

When we get home we have a beer, briefly review our days with each other and try to squeeze in whatever chores we can before 9 or 10 pm. If there's time we'll watch a movie or show together and he will undoubtedly fall asleep on the sofa. Getting him of the sofa is like trying to get a politician to stop airing hate commercials about other candidates. It's a no-win battle. Our distance grows as I sleep alone.

Last minute wedding details have been handled on the phone while driving to work, walking to another building and responding to emails on my phone, and texting like a mad woman. What would I do without my smart phone?

We have 20 days until we're married. Most brides would think I'm crazy for paying such little attention to wedding details as we get closer. But it's all planned. We've paid for everything (or at least have charged it and will pay for it later). We've remained relaxed through most of the process b/c having a breakdown would be too easy right now. Twenty more days. Two of those Doug will be in Atlanta for school, and 5 of those he'll be up north for training and a bachelor party. Essentially I have 13 more days to enjoy him as my fiance: to enjoy our hour on the sofa together each day.

I'm ready for Mexico. I'm ready to get away with him and have him all to myself for 9 days. It's the perfect way to start our marriage. Now more than ever I'm happy we're having a destination wedding.

It's Saturday, and I'm not working...which means I have a date with the dump, the gym, my coupon book and the grocery store.