Finding a Passion

I'm not afraid to admit that I absolutely love tattoos. They're not as taboo as they used to be, but rather are becoming quite common place. One might think, "well, why get one if they're so common?" I'm not suggesting we all run out and get dolphins on our ankles or "mom" in a heart on our forearms. I love tattoos because it's an opportunity for expression and uniqueness.  If you have a vision and either yourself or someone you know can draw it out for you, you can create something that will capture a moment in time on your body forever. If your moment is a purple smurf, well, that's totally up to you. My most recent "moment," which sadly was almost 2 years ago, was a phrase that is incredibly important to me.


I've always been fond of the aesthetics of the Arabic language. No, I may not be able to speak it, but when written I feel it's truly beautiful. I decided to have the phrase "live with passion" tattooed vertically down the right side of my ribs in Arabic. In my opinion, which is all that matters in this situation, it's stunning and inspiring. Not just the tattoo itself, but the message.


Finding something to be passionate about, and living it, will make one's life rich and rewarding. In my opinion, too many people go about their days miserable with the paths they've chosen. They do what they do to get by, often without any desire, drive, or even interest. This can apply to both personal and professional situations, and it saddens me. So I've given myself a constant reminder that I should live passionately. That I should love what I do and do it for a purpose. Whether your passion is helping the unfortunate, adopting pets, raising your family, providing health care to the elderly... it's important and worthwhile if you feel you're doing the right thing and enjoy it. It's living with purpose, passion, integrity, and a strong sense of self that will bring you joy and make your life richer. Even if you're collecting a measly paycheck while doing it.


My passion has always been education. If I could  afford it, I'd be a full-time, life-long student. I loved undergrad and I loved grad school. I can't wait for the day to go back and get my PhD. I've learned more in my Liberal Arts studies that, though it may be difficult to apply in the "real world," have made me much more open-minded, smart, and comprehensive.  A liberal arts education isn't a specific discipline that you master. It's a way of thinking, a way of learning, a hunger for taking it all in, analyzing it, discussing it, writing about it, addressing problems, and coming up with solutions. I often have a hard time defining it, so I'll give you the Webster's definition: The academic course of instruction at a college intended to provide general knowledge and comprising the arts, humanities, natural sciences, and social sciences, as opposed to professional or technical subjects.


Basically, we do a lot of thinking. And I can honestly say that my liberal arts education has made my life better. It's because of this that I dream of teaching at the university level. I'm most qualified to teach Sociology, Anthropology of Media, and Women's Studies. It would be incredible to have a classroom full of students, eager to be there and learn, and provide them with materials to evaluate aspects of life, gender, religion, etc. that they never would have otherwise known. To tackle issues, open their minds, encourage debates, and have meaningful lectures. This is my dream, my passion, and one day I will get there.


Along the way, I'll find other things to be passionate about. Raising a healthy child, if I'm blessed with one, will undoubtedly top my list. Perhaps starting a business that will benefit my community in some way...who knows? The most important thing, I must stress, is that there's conviction and purpose behind what I do. 


Finding a passion is something we all should face. It's this stage in our lives when we're evaluating what has true meaning to us. Have you found your passion?

I Think We Should've Turned Left Back There...

In today's world, with such a great divide between the wealthy and the not-so-wealthy, it's not uncommon for us twenty-somethings to feel a growing hunger for a piece of the success pie. How do the wealthy get there? How have we gotten left behind? We're more educated than ever, have resources at our fingers tips via the web and still can't catch up! Many of us have been forced to move back in with the rents after college and settle for a mediocre job. Where did we go wrong?

Now more than ever we're questioning our future and planning our next moves meticulously. Where do we invest our $30,000 a year salaries? How can we drive something nice and keep our car payments under $200 a month? Can we afford the new PlayStation, a quality laptop, and a 3D TV? Chances are we can't afford much of what we want, but we buy them anyway. So the bills go up and our salaries are still the same.

I recently spent a day schmoozing with the wealthy at a high-end event. We were able to have intelligent conversations and get a long well. It made me wonder, how are they so different from me? Other than their $85,000 cars, 2 million dollar homes, and $200,000 boats? How did they land such successful jobs? In all fairness, many of them had quite a few years on me. But I have met many couples comparable in age with much more success than myself and my peers. I can't help feeling bewildered and discouraged. Again I ask, where did I go wrong? Was it investing in my education? Not knowing the right people?

In the early 2000s, investing in real estate was a smart move. We bought our first home, a condo priced competitively, in a desirable location with great potential for a rental property. After making a couple thousand dollars in upgrades and living in it for a few years, we moved out and rented it to a young couple in 2006. Several bad tenants later we placed it on the market for not much more than we bought it for. Two and a half years and one short sale later we're still paying on a loan we had to take out just to sell it. We're renting our new home.

This is a perfect example of a smart move gone bad by the changing climate of the economy. What many of our peers admired us for 5 years ago has turned into a wallet-draining heart ache.

So like many other twenty-somethings we're getting by, paycheck to paycheck, waiting for the opportunity to find that one thing that will make us successful. We've pondered opening a small business, but without the start-up funds have pushed that idea to the back-burner. We've leveraged for raises, worked hard for our employers, and are patiently waiting to move up the corporate ladder. And now we wait. Is that all we can do?

Along with our hunger for success, we also think about starting a family, finally buying our desperately needed SUV and more. How can we achieve it all with such little hope for success?

Our story is not unique. It's something practically every twenty-something is facing right now. It's our quarter-life crisis: drastic changes in personal relationships, facing adulthood, molding our personal identities, balancing the personal and professional, always wanting more and questioning every move we make.

Something Old and Something New

It's now November 13th, and I've been married for 22 days. Every day since we've said our vows I think about that moment I said "I do", staring into my husbands eyes. Well, it was more like squinting into his eyes because the hot Mexican sun was staring into mine. I didn't think I'd be so emotional that day, the moment my father walked into my bridal room the tears began to well up behind my perfectly manicured eye lids.

I arrived in Puerto Morelos, Mexico 2 days before the wedding. My fiance was supposed to have arrived with me, but had to push his flight back a day due to training for work. So the night before our departure I packed two large suitcases for us both and had everything ready to go by 3am. My ride was coming at 5 to take me to the airport, so with only an hour nap I tied up all my loose ends and spent some time with my dogs before saying farewell. Maneuvering through the airport with the luggage and my dress was quite comical, and even more so seeing the airport staff watching me struggle without offering to help. By 7am I was in the air and headed for my wedding destination.

Along my travels I met another bride. We recognized each other by our wedding dresses we carried around with us like trophies. With no one to share my excitement with, a dead cell phone, and the nervousness of traveling alone, I welcomed her attention and asked all the questions a bride would want to be asked. Once we arrived in Cancun, I lost my bride friend in the airport and was once again alone. A nice couple helped me with my bags through customs, though we split ways once my bags had to be searched.

Finally outside and in the warm sun, I was pleasantly greeted by my driver taking me to the hotel. Within 30 minutes I arrived at Azul beach hotel, which I quickly labeled as paradise.

I arrived at 1pm and had 2 hours before my room was ready. The staff at Azul Beach was incredible. They were sweet, helpful, and treated me like a queen. I was escorted to lunch on the main restaurants terrace. The calm breeze coming off the water, the mild 82 degree temperature, the gourmet cuisine and the bottomless champagne calmed me and assured me I was in fact in paradise. It was more prefect than I could have ever imagined. I filled the rest of my day with assembling my guests welcome bags, making bracelets with the activities staff, sipping on tropical cocktails, and spending time with 2 friends who arrived just hours after me and a day earlier than the rest of the guests. The day was long and perfect.

The next morning I awoke anxious for my friends, family, and groom to arrive. My 2 hour workout session in the hotel's gym was followed by yoga on the pier. By that time it was only noon and I had butterflies in my stomach. I can't remember the last time I was so excited. Around 2pm our 15 remaining guests began trickling in by the van-full, and I was all smiles for the remainder of the day. We shared hugs, kisses, and stories by the pool. And at 8pm we attended our "Welcome Cocktail Hour" at the Agavero Tequila Lounge. Our cocktail "hour" ended around 2am with my soon-to-be husband retiring in his Best Man's room, and my sisters joining me in mine. Although many things about our wedding were going to be nontraditional, this tradition we kept, and it made our parents happy.

With a group of 19, breakfast the following morning lasted about 2 hours with a handful showing up and exiting at any given time. We were all on vacation and no one had a schedule. Our goal was for this trip to be relaxing and special, with no pressure or obligations. The only thing everyone needed to be on time for was later that day, at 4pm on the beach.

I was surprisingly calm the entire day before the wedding. Even with the small issues that every bride faces, I laughed it off, put a smile on my face and thought about the end result of the day. I reveled in each and every moment of getting ready with my mother, sisters, and best friend.

At 3:30 we were putting the final touches on wedding day attire. I wore my grandmothers diamond earrings (borrowed), my mothers blue topaz bracelet (blue) and my great grandmothers hair pin (old) with my gorgeous strapless Nicole Miller dress (new). The next knock on the door was my father, which is when the emotions started to hit me like a ton of bricks.

Here stood my father, grinning from ear to ear in excitement. When he told me I looked beautiful I almost started to cry, but quickly stopped myself in order to keep my make-up in tact. He was always the man I most admired, the most important man in my life. I respected him, adored him, took his advice, and looked to him for comfort. He was about to give me away to a new man. And although I knew our relationship wouldn't change, and both men would be important in equal, yet separate ways, I couldn't help but get emotional. It was really happening. The day I'd been planning for a year and a half was finally here. And spending those few moments with my dad before walking down the aisle made it more real to me.

And so we walked. After my two sisters were escorted down the aisle by our Best Man, my father walked with me. It felt like a long walk. Down the wooden aisle runner covered in rose petals, through the white covered chairs with green sheers filled with people I love, past my fiance's younger brother playing an acoustic guitar, toward the man I was planning to spend my life with. He kissed me before handing me off . I turned to my older sister and best friend, handing her my tropical bouquet, then turned back to look my fiance in the eyes for the last time before he became my husband.

Nothing about getting married made me nervous. I was already fully committed to spending the rest of my life with this man, my best friend, lover and soul mate. I'd dreamed about this day for years, but never anticipated the amount of joy I would feel. As we looked at each other I smiled uncontrollably because I knew this was the best decision I had ever made.

We held hands, exchanged vows, and made sincere promises to each other. To honor and obey, through sickness and health, for better or for worse, until death do us part. We participated in a sand ceremony. We each had a jar with sand, mine blue, his tan, symbolizing our old separate lives. We combined our sand in a new jar, leaving behind our old lives and starting a new life together while Jason Mraz's "I'm Yours" played in the back ground. We exchanged rings, said a prayer with the minister, and kissed as husband and wife. The backdrop of the sea, the small yet familiar crowd looking on, and the gorgeous Mexican afternoon will live forever in my memory. We toasted champagne right there on the beach, Bob Marley in the back ground:

I wanna love you and treat you right; I wanna love you every day and every night:We'll be together with a roof right over our heads; We'll share the shelter of my single bed; We'll share the same room, yeah! - for Jah provide the bread. Is this love - is this love - is this love - Is this love that I'm feelin'? Is this love - is this love - is this love -Is this love that I'm feelin'?

The day was incredible. Photos, a dinner reception, delicious vanilla wedding cake and pure love filled our evening. I was able to squeeze in a much needed hour nap between dinner and our party at the outside bar. All the the excitement of the day exhausted me, but I didn't want it to end. I napped in my wedding gown without disrupting my hair or makeup.

We spent 4 days with family and friends at Azul Beach Hotel. Those days were filled with love and support, celebration and relaxation. I wouldn't have changed anything about our wedding experience and feel truly blessed for having been able to share it with those who attended. Although not everyone dear to us was able to make it, we skyped the ceremony so loved ones back in the states could share in our special day.

Our wedding was perfect.

Traditional Steps

So many things are changing around me that a weekly reflection is necessary in order to take it all in. It's easy for the small things to get lost in the shuffle.

I picked up my marriage license yesterday. As I was leaving, paperwork in hand, the Judge reminded me about changing my name on my license, passport, etc. I'll need certified copies of our license to send away to have the necessary documents reflect my name change. As I'm standing in her tiny office she says, "you'll be Mrs. Stewart soon!"

Mrs. Stewart. It's pretty comical because the bathrobe my grand mom bought me when I was 14 said Amanda Stewart on the label. It sounds like a designer name, or a housewife name.

My name isn't the only thing that's changing. Although I've said in the past that I already feel like I'm married, actually being married is entirely different. He is about to be legally bound to me voluntarily and vise verse. This is a big step and deserves proper recognition.

I remember telling my girlfriends when I was 13 that I planned to be married by 25, and kids by 26. I picked these ages knowing I wanted to go to college and have a career, but not wait to long where I'd be an old parent. Pretty insightful for a 13-year-old if you ask me! Nonetheless, I'm a year behind that original plan. Four years of undergrad, 2 years of grad school and 2 big moves later I'll be married at 26. Don't get me wrong: I'm not upset that I didn't meet the goal I had when I was 13. Since then I've had plenty of goals I've abandoned or altered. Insightful as I may have been, I didn't know the person I'd be now way back then.

In college I thought I may never marry. Not because I had a hard time finding a companion, but because I started to adopt more liberal or revolutionary ideas about everything. For a while I regarded marriage as an oppressive institution with damaging traditional ideas. Now I have a slightly different view. Although marriage can certainly be oppressive, it is what you make it. I'm fortunate enough to be marrying a man who understands my beliefs and values and respects them, even if he doesn't quite agree. We have the best relationship I've ever had with any human. Not vowing to spend my life with him would be tragic.

So we're taking the next step, which just happens to be a traditional one. We didn't plan it from the beginning, we didn't know it until we wanted it. We're following the direction life is taking us, and it's working out in the most amazingly beautiful way . What happens next will also come naturally. It can't be forced or planned.

Like, for instance, the topic of children. Before your even married everyone and their mother starts asking you when you're going to have kids. How can I possibly answer that? It's not a root canal. I'm not scheduling it. If I'm meant to have a child then I'll be blessed with one when it's time.

I know I'd like to adopt a child and provide a life for someone who may not have otherwise been offered one. Considering our incredible population problem, and my beliefs in doing what's right for others, adopting is something I feel very strongly about. We don't have enough natural resources on this planet to adequately care for the people that inhabit it now. I can't justify bringing more people into this world, especially knowing there are so many children out there who need loving parents. Still, I want a child of my own.

Having a person that we created is also something we feel passionately about. He or she will pass along my pointy ears, his blue eyes, or my thin lips long after we're gone. That's incredible and I want it.

So I'd like to do both. Have a child and adopt a child. But again, I'm not gonna rack my brain trying to plan it. Like Adam Sandler in Big Daddy, I'm kind of on the non-plan plan.

In 13 days we'll have our ceremony on the beach, in front of a few loved ones. It won't be long until I'll become part of the club that checks the married box. What happens next, I have no idea. But I can guarantee that just like in the past we'll enjoy every step of the way together.

The Countdown has Begun...sorta

It's been 2 months since my last post. That's pretty awful considering I promised myself I'd write weekly. So for the last ten minutes I've been trying to come up with concrete reasons to justify it, as if my laptop is judging me for only checking email, paying bills and facebooking.

The truth of the matter is that life has kept me busy. What spare time I do have these days is devoted to heading to the gym to makeup for the 3 days I've missed earlier in the week, going to the dump to take the 2 weeks of trash that have piled up in the garage, or sitting on my ass and watching Dexter at 10pm on a work night. I've had no time for me. We've had even less time for us.

Luckily, my work life has been just as busy as his. Big changes are happening at our company and both our jobs have been demanding these past 2 months. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining. His recent parallel move in the company is incredibly positive for him! My recent promotion, if that's what you can call it, while bringing home only slightly more money is certainly bringing me closer to the people in my company that count the most. It's safe to say that I'm sacrificing now in hopes it'll pay off later.

I still have my tedious work, am often treated like a peon by higher up managers, and am consistently disrespected professionally. But it's the nature the beast, and I've already decided that if I want to live this SC dream I've gotta make this beast mine.

So as the days get fewer to when we become husband and wife I feel we're getting farther apart. The closeness I expected during this "special" time, the enjoyment I keep hearing abut from family and friends...it just doesn't exist.

I suppose that's not so troubling considering its not our own emotional issues keeping us apart. We're incredibly in love and anxious to be married. It's literal and physical separation at practically all hours of the day. We work 12 hour days, with no phone calls or cute texts. He's busy setting up the new place or up to his elbows in pistons, cylinders and what not- while I'm on the phone, typing away, managing my department, getting interrupted every 5 seconds and being everyone's bitch. There's no time for "I Love You" texts anymore.

When we get home we have a beer, briefly review our days with each other and try to squeeze in whatever chores we can before 9 or 10 pm. If there's time we'll watch a movie or show together and he will undoubtedly fall asleep on the sofa. Getting him of the sofa is like trying to get a politician to stop airing hate commercials about other candidates. It's a no-win battle. Our distance grows as I sleep alone.

Last minute wedding details have been handled on the phone while driving to work, walking to another building and responding to emails on my phone, and texting like a mad woman. What would I do without my smart phone?

We have 20 days until we're married. Most brides would think I'm crazy for paying such little attention to wedding details as we get closer. But it's all planned. We've paid for everything (or at least have charged it and will pay for it later). We've remained relaxed through most of the process b/c having a breakdown would be too easy right now. Twenty more days. Two of those Doug will be in Atlanta for school, and 5 of those he'll be up north for training and a bachelor party. Essentially I have 13 more days to enjoy him as my fiance: to enjoy our hour on the sofa together each day.

I'm ready for Mexico. I'm ready to get away with him and have him all to myself for 9 days. It's the perfect way to start our marriage. Now more than ever I'm happy we're having a destination wedding.

It's Saturday, and I'm not working...which means I have a date with the dump, the gym, my coupon book and the grocery store.

Not stressing the small stuff

I woke up this morning and thought, "what ever happened to that blog I promised myself I'd write?" Truth be told, I've been both busy just doing my day-to-day and busy doing nothing on my sofa with my fiance. Both are equally as important.

But that's essentially what this blog is about: finding a balance between work and personal time while struggling with what I think are normal issues for someone my age.

You have to prioritize and decide to handle the weekend argument you had with your mother tomorrow so today you can both get other things done. She'll cool down, and I'll get my guest room ready for my guests arriving on Friday. She'll think about our tiff in her own way, and I'll think about it while cleaning ferociously. Tomorrow we can regroup.

So each day I'm figuring out what's truly important to me that day, at that moment. What needs to be handled and what's worth stressing over. The truth of the matter is that I'm beginning to not stress much at all. Anyone reading this that knows me in the slightest probably thinks I'm BS-ing right now: "Is this the same girl who had a panic attack over a paper in 9th grade? Or the girl who stood outside Beury Hall her sophomore year in college crying her eyes out before her Biology final?" Yea- that's me. But living in the south, and also living with a much more relaxed fiance, has helped me calm my nerves a bit and slow down.

As of today I have 92 days until my wedding, and the only reason I know that exact number is because theknot.com tells me when I log in. That website alone has reduced my stress in half! If you happen to be planning a wedding, use it! It gives you a timeline of when you should have certain tasks completed, a tool for budgeting all your wedding expenses, and a sheet to keep track of payments and deposits already made with a convenient little (or big) total at the bottom of what you still have to pay out. Needless to say, the website helps to free up what little time I have at the end of the day, after gym time and work, to focus on other things or to just unwind.

Long Past Due

I've finally decided to make my attempt at blogging. My recent feelings of creative deficiency have been plaguing me for far too long, and my journalism degree, which I've kept hidden in my back pocket, is screaming to be heard. With that said, welcome to my blog. At this point in my life, I'm facing many changes typical for a twenty-something, and hope to make sense of it all not only for myself, but for others as well, through documentation. New degrees, new jobs, relationship trials, wedding plans, are just some of the topics I plan to touch on. I'm excited for this new outlet and hope you are too!