My Last Year as a Twenty-Something

Well, here we go. I am composing this blog post on the first day of my last year in my twenties. Does that mean this blog, titled "Making Sense of the Twenty-Somethings, " must be retired? Hell no. I have decided that this is my first of many 29th birthdays.

I started this blog as an outlet to help me work out the many life changing things that go on in one's twenties. This particular 10-year span is filled with some of life's most complicated changes: choosing your life direction, working through relationships, understanding adulthood, developing a career, getting married, starting a family....and those are just the biggies. Granted, I've done a poor job at updating it and usually forget this blog even exists. But today I feel a post is necessary. This birthday feels different and significant.

You see, this is my first birthday as a mother. I now have a very different perspective. Twenty nine years ago I came into this world as a helpless and needy little baby. Year after year I changed, grew, made mistakes and became the person I am today. And I honestly have to say that I am proud of who I am. But my life would never be what it is without the family that raised me. My parents who taught me everything from eating with a spoon to tying my shoe laces. My grandmother who played an avid role in caring for me on a daily basis and spoiling me with york peppermint patties from the Acme despite my mom's "no sweets" rule. My sister who let me tag along with her everywhere and taught me how to come out of my shell and be a good friend. This day is not about just me. It's about everyone involved in making me who I am.

You see, birthdays are not just about presents and cake. It's about everyone who plays a part in creating  and caring for you. But there is one person in this equation who undeniably did more than anyone else. From my new perspective as a mom, I truly feel like birthdays should strongly be about the women who gave birth to us. My mother gave me life. She carried me for nine months and endured physical pain bringing me into this world. She sacrificed so much for me, things that I am only beginning to understand, to make sure I was physically and emotionally cared for. She nurtured and protected me, starting from the day she peed on that little white stick and got a positive result. It's not something to be taken lightly. I am forever grateful for her. So on my birthday, I'd like to honor my mother. Good job, Mom. You made one kick-ass kid (well, two kick-ass kids actually). I'm still learning new things from you everyday, despite our distance. I love you. Happy "You Gave Birth Today" Day.

Enjoy the Journey

It's a quite Sunday morning, and every being in my house is sleeping. The cat, dogs, husband, sister and our daughter- all peacefully dreaming. I've already woken up early, nursed my daughter, spent play time with her and put her down for a nap. And while she lays in her crib, sleeping with her knees curled up to her chest and her hand covering one eye, I'm doing what I always do. Reflecting. Am I being a good enough mother? Wife? Daughter? Sister? Friend?

Olivia will be five months next week. I can't believe how quickly the time has passed, and will continue to pass. I will blink and the next thing I know we'll be celebrating Olivia's first birthday. All I can do is revel in each beautiful ordinary moment with her. To enjoy our play times on her bedroom floor. To watch her quietly as she studies her hands and feet. I need to be sure and take every opportunity to kiss her naked belly and hear her glorious giggle. This journey will take a lifetime, and every single moment is precious.

Yesterday was the type of day that only a mother can appreciate. It was perfectly ordinary, consisting of nursing, naps, play times, and a trip to the grocery store. There was bath time, "super baby" airplane time,  and tummy time. There were moments when Olivia would stare at my face, mesmerized by my eyes and the way her hand can now intentionally touch my cheeks, chin, nose and mouth (and yes, pull on my hair and anything else within reach). There was no stress, no rushing, no crying, no fighting. There was no mommy guilt. I got to spend the entire day with my baby. Yesterday was blissfully and perfectly ordinary. I loved it.

Our house is filled with genuine effortless love. The kind of loves that fills you up so much you feel it spilling out of you. This is exactly what I have always wanted.

The only thing I can wish for is more time. More time together as a family, not just time with one person while the others are busy. More time to relax and enjoy. More time to reflect and realize how truly blessed we all are. But what can we possibly sacrifice to create more time? When one of you figures it out, please let me in on the secret. Because I've now come to the conclusion that "more time" doesn't exist. We just need to appreciate the time we have now and live in the moment. We need to enjoy the journey every step of the way.

18 Weeks and Counting

It's hard to believe it has already been 18 weeks since we welcomed Olivia into the world. I feel like it was just last week I was learning how to hold her, studying her gently and working on getting the perfect latch. After many short weeks of learning each other Olivia is a healthy almost 14 pound baby. Her floppy head that needed support is now strong and (for the most part) sturdy. Her once tired eyes are now locked in on mine while we play or wildly searching the room for new objects. She responds to her name and has a few favorite songs. Her hands grasp for everything, though her hand-eye coordination still needs a bit of work. At  around 15 weeks she began flirting with me while eating, making eye contact at first and now has moved on to touching my face and having a "conversation" with me in between suckles. Around 16 weeks she found her feet and hasn't lost interest yet. And just last week she rolled over for the first time.
How can my baby girl be changing so quickly?
I know that this is only the beginning of the dramatic transformations we'll be witnessing and am trying my hardest to hold on to every precious moment. I will never look on back these days and regret an extra kiss, or an extra snuggle. I don't want to look back and wish I did more with my daughter. Today is important for both she and I.

Today I will make her feel loved and safe. And every day after today for the rest of my life.

It's the little things. Literally

I'm finding that with motherhood I'm changing and growing more than I expected. With each day Olivia make leaps in her development, and as I watch her grow I do the same. I've learned to slow down and really appreciate the little things in life. I don't need an extravagant anything. I'm surrounded by beautiful and amazing things every day that make me cherish the life we've built.

1) Snuggle time. I've always been a snuggler, but cozying up to my baby girl brings a whole new meaning to it.

2) My morning cup of coffee. If I have the opportunity to sit down and drink my cup of coffee, without my arms full of laundry, phones ringing, etc, my day is already off to a stress-free start.

3) Pumping. As crazy as that may sound, I'm a breastfeeding mom who works full time. Because of that I pump when I'm away from Olivia to keep production up and store enough for her to eat. These 20 minute breaks during the work day allow me to unwind, look at photos and videos of my daughter, and remember that I am primarily a mother.

4) A jog. I've always loved running but I haven't quite figured out how to work it back into my regular routine. So once or twice a week when I can get out for a run it's very peaceful and cleansing.

Rugged Maniac Mud Run on Saturday

5) 10 am talk time. Olivia is a chatty Cathy! She loves to gurgle and coo, squeak and talk back to me. I love it any time of day, but we've found that she is generally most talkative in the morning.

6) Crazy spurts of energy from my dogs. When I get home from anywhere, even if I'm gone for 30 minutes, my dogs go INSANE when I get home. I love watching them run out into the yard, often around in circles, being maniacs.

7) Evening family time. Once dinner is done it's nice to spend some time with Doug and Olivia before bed. It's usually quiet time, maybe with a little chatter from Olivia. We can all unwind before turning on a lullaby and putting the baby to bed.

8) Which brings me to my next simple pleasure. A glass of wine and some adult time with Doug. Even though the conversations may still focus on baby things, we still get to be what started all of this: a couple.

9) A clean house. Since my return to work it's nearly impossible to keep my house clean. I'm still a freak with keeping things organized, so it's never cluttered, but with 2 dogs and a cat the hair and dust does get a little out of hand. Thankfully we have a cleaning lady who visits bi weekly to keep up on the dusting, bathrooms, floors and windows so I can focus on more important things (like spending time with my daughter)

10) Family. Now more than ever I appreciate my parents, siblings, and extended family. I understand more the work and dedication that goes into building a strong family. I'm also lucky enough that my 19-year-old sister is living with us as our nanny. I can leave for work knowing my daughter is getting cared for in the best way. If she's sick, I don't need to leave work. I can spend every extra minute with her rather than having to work in time to pick her up/drop her off to and from a daycare. This set up is ideal and I will never take it for granted.

It may sound boring to some, but to me these little things mean the world.

My Best Ten

It's pretty easy for me to sit down and type out my Top Ten lists. Top 10 Food, Top 10 Workouts, Top 10 Songs....But nothing will ever beat the last 10 weeks of my life.

On December 7th I gave birth to a perfectly healthy and beautiful little girl, named Olivia Anne Stewart. After an easy and healthy pregnancy, and a not-so-easy 14 hours of natural labor, she came and completely rocked my world. As a matter of fact, my world was no longer mine. It's our world now. She is, by far, the most important thing. Making sure her needs are met is my full-time job. So my last 10 weeks have been spent learning about her, about me, about my husband and I as parents, and about how to juggle being a mom, a daughter, a sister, a friend, and a wife. As of Monday I'm now back to work full-time, so added into my juggling act is manager, co-worker and employee.

And though that all may sound like a lot to handle, it's been blissful. Yes, it's a challenge, and at times I'm sure I fail in one area or another. But I never fail at being mommy, and I never will. I now realize that this role is one I've always wanted, and I wear my mommy badge proudly. But it's important for me to mention that next to my mommy badge is my wife badge. Before having Olivia my happiest week was the week I spent in Mexico with family and friends, marrying my husband. And let's face it: without happily marrying the man I fell in love with when I was just 19, I wouldn't have the happy family I have now. Doug made me a wife, and now he's made me a mother.

The first 2 weeks at home were the most challenging, but in a good way. I was lucky enough to have Doug home with me, and together we learned about caring for our girl. After Doug went back to work it was just me and Olivia during the days, and the bond that we formed during that time is truly unbreakable. We figured out a great routine (thanks to the BabyWise book and theories), allowing enough sleep and playtime for her, and enough time for me to work, straighten up the house, and workout. I've learned how to do many tasks one-handed and how to change lyrics to children's songs to fit the mood (last night I changed the "clean up" song to a "clean your butt" song while changing a poopy diaper). I've mastered cloth diapering, pumping, bagging and freezing breast milk, and folding tiny onesies. I've also figured out how to make my little girl smile, coo, and even dance to Reggae music.

I finally ordered a baby book from Target so I can keep track of all these tiny, yet very important milestones. At five weeks we saw her first true smile, and at six weeks she began "talking" back to us during her very happy times. Around 8 weeks she started to sleep 6 to 8 hour stretches during the night. At 9 weeks she began intentionally studying her hands, and on Sunday I'm pretty sure she grabbed a toy in her play gym on purpose. All of these things are huge developmentally, not to mention they are SO STINKIN' CUTE.


But by maternity leave is over, and although it's only been a few days I already miss my first 10 weeks at home with Olivia. They were some of the most special times in my life, and I'll never forget them. The thought of missing out on her special moments each day make me sad. But I am very fortunate in that my little sister has moved in with us to be our full-time nanny. It's very reassuring knowing that Olivia is getting loving individualized attention everyday, is in consistent surroundings and is following the same schedule everyday that works best for her. My sister, Emily, is very respectful of the way we want things done and because she has an emotional attachment to Olivia, she does it all the same way I do- with LOVE.

I can't think of anything better than our little baby surrounded by nothing but love.

Sometimes The Smallest Things Take Up the Most Room in Your Heart

As you can see from my lack of blogging, the last trimester of my pregnancy was a bit busy. With working hard at my job, staying fit and going to the gym, frequent doctor's visits, preparing our home for the baby and having guests, little time was left over to sit down and reflect on all my twenty-something changes. But right now, my daughter is laying on her father's chest in the next room and I have a moment to reflect: to sit at my laptop with my coffee and think about my little blessing in the next room. Actually, I have more than a little blessing. I have a big happy family that I have no idea how I deserve: a husband, a stinky dog named Karma, and hyper mutt named Pepper, my orange cat Senor Gato, and my beautiful daughter Olivia. Since she was born 16 days ago, not a day goes by that I don't recognize how lucky I am. I don't take a single moment for granted. 

So, how about a quick recap for those of you who didn't get my weekly updates via email about my baby's development? In the last weeks of my pregnancy, Olivia was healthy and putting on weight like a champ! She moved around a lot and I still felt good enough to do my fair share of moving. I worked out up until the day before Olivia was born. At my last weigh in I was up 35 lbs from my pre-pregnancy weight. Everything else with my health was superb as well. I'd spent months learning the HypnoBabies technique for managing pain and having a natural childbirth. I also read a lot of books and did a ton of research. Needless to say, much the same as I handled my pregnancy, I was prepared and ready for labor. I knew the right questions to ask, I knew what I would and would not allow and I had a birth partner who knew what my needs were and was prepared to be my advocate!

My baby was due on Dec 5th. On Dec 4th I was having mild contractions sporadically (I didn't even know I was having them until the doc put me on a fetal monitor). This lasted for 2 days, and each day we thought for sure I'd be heading to the hospital. But labor didn't really progress for me. I had a consistent pain in my back that never got better or worse. I tried walking, zumba, running up and down the stairs, having sex, spicy food...nothing made it speed up. So on Dec 6th my doctor recommended she break my water. I didn't want to have any interference with my natural labor, but after 2 days of waiting I was ready for this little bit of assistance. We checked into the hospital (where the L&D department had been on stand-by for me for 2 days) at 3pm, and my water was broken by 3:30pm. Within 30 minutes I was having consistent and progressively stronger contractions. Fourteen hours later we welcomed Olivia Anne Stewart into the world.

Olivia hours after birth

I spent those 14 hours managing my contractions naturally. Because I opted to not have any drugs, I was able to move around the room however I needed and even sit in a hot shower (which I did twice). During this time Doug did whatever I asked him to do, from rubbing my back to feeding me ice chips.  He was incredible, and I honestly don't think I could have done it without him.

The nursing staff at Hilton Head Hospital was great! During my labor I had 3 different nurses tending to me. Two in the early hours (their shift ended at 7pm) and then one who stayed with us through the night.  Everyone was incredibly supportive of my decision to give birth naturally, and I received many compliments and positive feedback.

I'll spare you the gory details of the delivery, though I am extremely proud and happy to share if you have any questions. Yes, it hurt and yes, it was hard. But I could feel everything my body was doing and knew exactly how it was working to bring my daughter closer to being in my arms. I understood the changes my body was going through and am amazed at how effectively it works. My body is designed to give birth, and it's not something we women should be afraid of. Our bodies are amazing.

As soon as Olivia came out I couldn't think of anything else but her. It didn't matter that the doctor was still tending to my body. I had a precious little girl in my arms, 7 lbs and 13 oz, and that was all that mattered. Within minutes she latched onto my breast, making me feel even more proud of what she and I can and did accomplish together. When the cord was done pulsating Doug proudly cut it. Shortly after the nurse took her to be cleaned and examined and I fell into the deepest sleep I've ever had.

Olivia Anne, who we have nicknamed Libby, was born on December 7th at 5:50am. During my last hour of pushing, I told Dr. Blessit I wanted to have her before 6am. She said it was far fetched, but possible if I tried hard enough. I hit my goal with 10 minutes to spare! Minutes after Olivia was born, Dr. Blessit told me she was impressed by how well I handled it and she had a tremendous amount of respect for me. I already felt proud, but the support and compliments I received from everyone around me afterward made me feel like a rock star!

The next 24 hours was tough: my body was healing and I was exhausted. But by Saturday morning I felt good enough to go home. The nurses and doctor checked on me and Libby regularly and were pleased with our recovery. We were able to go home a day early.

Doug took off the next week and we spent time learning how to care for our baby and getting into a routine. In my opinion we were both very calm for first-time parents and got the hang of it quickly.

Milk Drunk

I look at her in complete amazement every day. We created this tiny little person. Her sweet face, tiny hands, soft skin..... I catch myself just staring at her throughout the day. I kiss her more than I've ever kissed anyone. It's hard to explain the feelings that I have for her and the joy I feel as a parent. I've heard other parents talk about it before, and nodded as if I understood. Now I know. You can't possibly understand until you hold your child. It's a completely foreign yet comforting experience. There's a mixture of love, joy, pride, and overwhelming emotion every time I look at her.

2 weeks old

Having my baby is the best thing I've ever done.

You Are What Happened When I Wished Upon a Star

You can imagine that news of having a baby is seriously life altering. But for some reason, the impact is so much more now that I know that she is a little girl. It's not more impactful simply because she is a girl, but it does feel more solidified and real just knowing her sex. That may sound silly to most, but knowing what she is allows me to picture her growing up. I daydream about her, what she'll look like, what sports she'll play, and her little voice calling me mommy.

I often think about how I'm really the only one who knows her right now. And she knows me. She knows  my voice, my touch, my breaths.... I know when she's sleeping and I swear the little peanut actually starts kicking me when she's hungry. And the craziest thing about all this is that no one else understands or can possibly appreciate what all of this means to me. It's deeply personal that only she and I understand.

The very first baby item I bought, when I was just 7 or 8 weeks along, was a Google onsesie. I was on my first trip to California to visit the Google Campus in Mountain View. At this point very few people knew about my pregnancy. I shared the info with my co-worker, Jill, and she happily snapped a picture of me and the onesie. I actually ended up buying a cuter one with cookie monster on it.

A few months later I did buy my first girlie item: a hot pink diaper cover with ruffles with a hot pink headband to match. I've also bought a few cloth diapers, some warmer clothing items, and some decorative items for her room. I'm not the best at decorating, and Doug says her room looks to cluttered. But we've been blessed with so many fantastic hand-me-downs that she already has so much stuff!!!

Decoration Idea

I actually started writing this post back in September. It's now November 16th and I have just 19 days left until my due date. I've been neglecting this blog, my household chores, sleep....but it's all worth it. You see, in just a few weeks I will have a daughter. She will completely change my life and I'll be in charge of shaping hers. She'll come into this world knowing that she needs me. And I already know how badly I need her. So all this hard work, long hours, doctors appointments, household changes and preparation will pay off. We'll have a family- Me, Doug, Baby Girl, Karma, Pepper and Senior Gato. Quite the full house, huh?

I'll leave you with a sneak peak of our maternity shoot we had 2 weeks ago. I haven't seen the rest of the photos yet and simply can't wait! I'll also follow up with a few other posts about cloth diapering, my health and wellness during pregnancy, and some other baby-related items. Thanks for the support!